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Intro for my dungeon
Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 6:50 am
by J. Trudel
Hello everyone ! Ive written a small intro for my dungeon, but english is not my first language so I may need help to make it better, to fix typos or mistakes I could have made. Also comments are welcome. If you plan on playing my dungeon and don't want any spoilers, please stay away as it may ruin a bit of the experience.
Fort Orendall
The impregnable fortress of Malan Tael, built in ages forgotten by man, this place once was the gem of the Malanian Empire. It's former glory, remembered only in times of dire need, is now a mere shadow devoid of any life.
And, it is our home, our final resting place.
As we walked throught the impressive gates of it's entrance, we know that our only chance to see the daylight again, is when we leave this world for the next. No one ever escaped, no one was ever heard from again. This, is our final jugement, or is it ?
Re: Intro for my dungeon
Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 10:49 am
by Komag
fixed a couple typos
Fort Orendall
The impregnable fortress of Malan Tael, built in ages forgotten by man, this place once was the gem of the Malanian Empire. Its former glory, remembered only in times of dire need, is now a mere shadow devoid of any life.
And it is our home, our final resting place.
As we walked through the impressive gates of its entrance, we knew that our only chance to see the daylight again would be when we leave this world for the next. No one ever escaped, no one was ever heard from again. This is our final judgement, or is it?
Re: Intro for my dungeon
Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 10:50 am
by Grimwold
J. Trudel wrote:Hello everyone ! Ive written a small intro for my dungeon, but english is not my first language so I may need help to make it better, to fix typos or mistakes I could have made. Also comments are welcome. If you plan on playing my dungeon and don't want any spoilers, please stay away as it may ruin a bit of the experience.
Fort Orendall
The impregnable fortress of Malan Tael, built in ages forgotten by man, this place once was the gem of the Malanian Empire. It's former glory, remembered only in times of dire need, is now a mere shadow devoid of any life.
And, it is our home, our final resting place.
As we walked throught the impressive gates of it's entrance, we know that our only chance to see the daylight again, is when we leave this world for the next. No one ever escaped, no one was ever heard from again. This, is our final jugement, or is it ?
Your English is very good. I just have a couple of suggestions.
Firstly a general tip on commas... They are used either as somewhere to take a "breath" when reading, or, to signify a portion of descriptive text that could be optional. So try reading the text and omitting the words between two commas and see if it still makes sense.
Secondly a couple of specific suggestions
this place once was => was once
throught => through
Finally
Be aware of the tense (past, present or future) of your writing.. particularly in the last paragraph:
"we walk"; "we know"; "is when" (present) OR "we walked"; "we knew"; "would be when" (past)
EDIT - Ninja'd by Komag!
Re: Intro for my dungeon
Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 11:04 am
by Komag
yeah, pretty much exactly everything you suggested I also noticed and fixed, you must have a great mind too
Re: Intro for my dungeon
Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 2:19 pm
by J. Trudel
Many thanks, your efforts will help me improve my dungeon as well as my English
, if any of you plan on doing a mod in french I'll gladly give it a look ! Ha ha